You Need To Stop Asking This Question NOW
Want to know the worst question you can ask a person?
"How are you doing?"
Why? This well meaning question will get you a fake answer 99.9% of the time. Now more than ever we’re all craving connection and yet a question like this makes it so easy to keep a wall up and the other person at an arm's length. It perpetuates fake connection and reinforces a sense of isolation. You know that dreaded, squirmy feeling when someone asks you that question and the honest answer is, “I’m angry and depressed and it took everything in me to get my shit together to get on this zoom call.”
It’s bad when we do this with coworkers and acquaintances but it’s even worse when we do this to our friends. So, while these suggestions will help in all areas of your relationships, I want you to focus on eliminating this question from conversations with friends first.
“How is your day going?”
How much easier is it to answer , “How is your day going?” than “How are you?” The first is a question about their day. The latter is a question about their well being. It removes the pressure to come up with a “polite” answer to a very personal question and gives them a platform to reply with something specific about their day. It’s a great conversation starter that’s easy to build a conversation upon. The result is a meaningful, genuine connection.
“What's something you're really excited about right now?”
This is one of my favorites because it shifts the focus to something positive. Plus, who doesn’t like to hear about something exciting? Like the last question, this helps narrow the scope of response to something specific. It also inherently shifts you into a positive mindset since you are focusing on something good that is happening. Based on how the other person responds there should be an opportunity to ask follow up questions to learn more and deepen the connection.
Ask about something you discussed last time you spoke
This is a great way to create dialogue. It also shows you are genuinely interested in them since they know you were listening in the last conversation. If you struggle remembering details, take notes so you can reference them before your next conversation. This works great with co-workers and I even have used this on friends and family.
So, starting today STOP asking the autopilot question “How are you?” Keep in mind that the goal isn’t to create intensely deep conversations. You just want to lubricate the conversation by making it easy for the other person to open up by giving you a chance to learn something new about the person you are speaking with and create more points of common ground or connection.