Getting Fired: How to Productively Navigate Grief
“I’m sorry to tell you this but you’re fired.”
“Today is your last day with company name.”
“Your employment is ending today.”
No matter how it’s presented, being fired is a blow. It feels personal. It hurts. I would know. I’ve been fired three times in my career. I’ve learned that although there is not a way to make it hurt less, there are things you can do to move through the stages of grief more productively. I wrote this article so that whether this is your first time going through this or your third like me you have tools that help you navigate.
Lean into the discomfort rather than fighting against it.
There are some important things to understand about grief,
It’s non-linear. You can be in two stages at one time. You might have gone from bargaining back to anger, multiple times.
Navigating grief is like climbing a spiral staircase. You will experience the stages again throughout life but progress is seeing the stage from a different vantage point. Maybe you don’t get so angry this time or it doesn’t take as long for you to move through this stage as before.
There is no right or wrong. The grief journey is unique. There is not a right or wrong way to work through this process. There is only your way.
There are no hacks. There are no shortcuts. There is no going around, there is only through.
Now that we know grief is part of job loss let’s talk through how to productively navigate through the process.
*An important caveat is that throughout this article recommendations are made with the assumption that you received severance and will have a period of time before you must begin job searching. If this is not your situation, you will still need to go through these stages AND I’ve included a section at the end of an exercise to help you quickly gather insights to inform your immediate next steps.
Let’s break down each stage, what to expect, and recommendations for helping you navigate through them.
Denial
Denial is a coping mechanism as we begin to try to take on the significance of what just happened. We might even operate in the delusion that nothing has changed. At some point it will hit you in the face that you can no longer deny this. Often this happens that first Monday morning you are home. The one where you no longer made plans and your friends, family, former co-workers, the world goes back to its normal routine. It can feel like you are being left behind. Those emotions you’ve been denying shoot right to the surface.
Plan something just for you on this day. Pick something that you wouldn't be able to do because you were at work. This isn't about making yourself busy so you're distracted. This is about self compassion. Give yourself exactly what you want. It might be binging your favorite series, holding up with a great book for the day, going for a hike, etc. Remember just because you understand what is happening does not make it easier. Thankfully this will pass and having these emotions come to the surface is a positive sign you are moving through the process of grief.
Anger
Depending on the circumstances you may also feel frustration, irritation, and anxiety in addition to intense anger. That anger may be directed at a person, a company, or even a higher being.
It’s important to sit with these feelings. These may end up being very helpful later so take time to get it out. Start journaling if possible. You aren't doing anything with it for now, you just need to let it out. Speak your truth. If you decide to speak with others, communicate ahead of time if you want them to just listen or advise. This allows them to show up in the best way for you.
Bargaining
This is typically when you might begin ruminating or playing the “What if” game. You reflect on the past and think of all the things you might have done differently. You try to look for clues that you somehow missed at the time that could have changed these circumstances. If you haven’t already you may also reach out to others to talk and discuss what has transpired. Be careful here. It may feel good to have others commiserate with you however as you retell the story you will probably feel the sadness or anger return. This is part of the journey however watch out that you don’t get stuck here. Your co-workers might even be the ones who want to re-hash what is happening. It’s ok to protect yourself. Set boundaries and choose not to engage when needed.
Depression
Oof. This stage is a doozy. No sugar coating here, it feels like a huge letdown; like you have run out of steam and anger and now all you're left with is sadness. Hopelessness. Your inner critic is ready to step into the spotlight and take the microphone. They will have PR messages queued up telling you that no one will ever hire you, hope is lost, you'll never find another job, you are marked with the red F, you're damaged goods.
None of this is true.
Your ability to cope with the inner critic will dictate how quickly you can move through this stage. If you are starting at square one with wrangling the inner critic, here is a great podcast from Growth and Leadership Coach Amy K Musson where she provides fundamental tools to dealing with those pesky critics.
You also want to be watching out for the internal dialogue of "I should” or “I need to". Give yourself exactly what you want/need. If something sounds fun, do it. If you want to try something, go for it. No expectations, no shoulds, no right or wrong.
Acceptance
You are ready to begin building your next chapter. You feel your energy returning, ideas may be sparking in your mind, and it's no longer a should but an itch to begin. Now is when you begin learning the valuable lessons from this recent experience, enhance (or build) your foundation, so you can move forward. Keep in mind that this is not a permanent state and it is 100% ok if you find yourself back in an earlier stage of grief. Do what you can while you feel the itch for more and show yourself compassion and look for progress if you slip back.
For exercises to help you maximize your learnings you can listen to this podcast “You Just Got Fired. Now What?” that walks you through each of the exercises. If you want to jump right into it, here are the exercises:
Postmortem - What do you want to leave behind, what do you want to take with you
Building (enhancing foundation) - What needs to get updated here? If you have not done your core values, your notes from the Anger stage will be very helpful.
Next steps - Are you looking to make a career change or continue in your line of work?
If you have to get a job ASAP…
Although this is not ideal we can still do a few small things that will have a large impact. This next job may just need to be a stepping stone before you get to what you really want. You will still need to process your grief however right now the priority is quickly gathering insights from this last experience that you can use to inform your next step. If you have time for nothing else, make sure to do the postmortem. Since you will need to update your resume the QXR provides a helpful template to capture work related insights such as key metrics, performance, learnings, and skills developed.
Keep Rising Y’all 💛